I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
