the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
my shit smells like andre
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
