Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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