Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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