i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
