Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
So apparently I’m into choking now
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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