If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
