I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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