i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
