someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
another moral hangover. fuck.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
