ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
and i looked up. we had an audience...
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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