I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
