you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
