I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
