I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
