i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize