i don't plan on having that self control this summer
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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