She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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