Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
This house was built for laser tag.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
