Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Randomize
