Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
