And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
