I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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