I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
