saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
