I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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