I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
