are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
