I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
