I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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