Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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