ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
