why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
