He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
