Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
There r osticjed everywhere
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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