god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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