A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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