Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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