SEEEEXXX PLEASE
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
