I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
