tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
