MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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