So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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