Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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