I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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