things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
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