So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
