I can tuck mytits in my pants
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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