My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
