you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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