i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
