I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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