I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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