i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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