hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
