How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Randomize
