Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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