This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
